Marriage is Hard.

Marriage is hard.

Because you know someone so well that you know all the right things to say. You know what will make them happiest and what will defeat them. So then, once you know that person, it's a conscious decision whether or not you're going to do the right thing or the wrong thing. If I know without a doubt that the one thing that will make my husband happiest would be to get up right now and wash dishes, then why am I not doing it? Because I don't want to? Because I'm tired? Whatever the reason, I am consciously making the choice to do something that makes ME happy instead of making HIM happy. So it's hard.

Is the guilt I feel when I realize I've spent the whole day not doing things to make Matthew's life better justified? I don't know. Maybe. Should every choice I make in life be made as a spouse instead of as an individual? Probably. Since I am a spouse, after all, and I did make that decision, actively and joyously about a year and a half ago. Because I'll have me for the rest of my life no matter what happens along the way. I'll always, at least, understand my own motives and what makes me happy. But a marriage is a living, growing thing that will start to wilt if we start to ignore it. And take it for granted as something that will always be there. If I want it to always be there, I need to be ready to consciously choose Wife Decision over Individual Decision.

So I guess what that means is I've got to put the laptop down and wash some dishes.