Weekend [Critter] Recap

"SO, Mary, what did you do this weekend?"

Killed bugs.

 And the point of this post is mostly to talk about the bugs, but I will not be able to leave it at that, oh no. Because when we returned to Matthew's house after his dad's birthday party on Saturday, there was also a possum outside of our house. We figured he was stealing Blue's food or trying to break into our trash. I don't have a picture because we all got inside as fast as possible and hoped it would go away. Success! We never saw it again. I'm guessing Blue and he scrapped outside, and Blue, being the most ferocious of kitty cats, probably beat him down and told him that's HIS trash, none available for you sir thank you.

You already saw these guys.

Large alive spider. And Payless Sperry knockoff.

Large dead spider and little guy who wanted to eat him.

 That was just the beginning. Luckily I had the Big Strong Man nearby for all the other critters that we found over the weekend.

Let's see, Thomas showed me the spider he killed with Daddy's flip flop early on Saturday. I was proud and told him he'd be good when the Big Strong Man isn't around. On Saturday morning Lara went to get into her purse that she uses to carry stuffed animals from place to place. No sooner had she picked out the yellow bunny she wanted then the purse flew across the room and Lara was screaming. I mean WAILING. She was so. Traumatized. We figured out why...a spider the same size as the one that freaked me out on Friday was crawling around inside of her purse, about to come eat her just as soon as she dared move that bunny. Didn't take a picture because Lara was just too terrified.

Then, come Sunday evening, I was getting ready to go to choir practice at church when I found this interesting specimen (actually, it should be plural. Specimens.) Here we have two enormous dead spiders caught in a spider web. I'm thinking this picture doesn't do justice to the real situation because you can't see the BEAST that killed them. It was about a third of the size of either enormo dead spider! It was tiny and, apparently, mighty! I wasn't scared or freaking out about that one...but I did take a picture and call Matt over to see it because I thought it was pretty impressive. That little guy must have been mighty poisonous to his friends Tweedlespider and Spiderdum!

And here we have this morning. I returned from my covert operation with Aunt Kerry Lee to find this in my bathroom...it actually appeared to already be dead, but just to be safe, I squashed its yellow-brown guts out with my hulking work boots. Those things make me invicible, as far as I've been able to tell.

So there you go. The house has been sprayed, and it rained really hard today. I'm hoping those two combined efforts will keep the animals a little further away from my bedroom than they have been lately!

On the subject of animals, here's a cat that decided the ideal hang out during a rain storm was on top of my car:

Of course, as soon as he saw me looking at him, he jumped right off the car to come see me. I was lucky I managed to get this picture before he was pawing at the door to come inside. He looked at me, like, "Can't you see it is monSOONing outside? Why would you be so cold hearted and keep me out here?" And I said back, "You lost all chance of me feeling sorry for you when you decided it was a good idea to sit on the car in the pouring rain."

Speaking of Blue, did you know Matthew and I give him a Russian accent whenever we talk for him? Which we do a lot of. Blue is very present whenever we're pretty much anywhere around the house. He's quite the feline. So we have a tendency to pretend he's taking part in our conversation...do you do that with your pets and/or nonverbal children? Matt and I are guilty guilty guilty. Baby Austin, Teri's new little guy, gets to say all kinds of interesting things vicariously through us. And Blue, the bobcat Russian blue, gets to do the very same, but his is with a Russian accent. Naturally.

And those crazy Russians, they just like to sit outside in the rain, I guess.

There ya have it folks!

See Y'all!

TFMM

Help Me.

This is an all call for any non-mamby pamby little girls named Shirley (read: myself) that aren't afraid of a wee little spider and can help me out here. Do you live near me? Do you know my phone number? Come here. Fix this terrible problem.

The bigger dilemma is - he knows he's been caught, so he moves a lot quicker. Those sly spiders. I first saw him when I was picking up shoes and putting them in the bucket beside the front door. Then he scuttled away under a rogue  shoe that was destined for buckethood...luckily, it was propped up on something that I could move with my toe from a safe distance away. So I could see it out in the open for a little while longer. Then, oh then, he disappeared.

Gone.

For a little while, and then I moved something else with my toe and he crawled out from under that. Now I am positive he is hiding behind this big hunk of wood that is leaning against the living room wall. I'm thinking I might leave him there. He might stay, get comfortable, go to sleep or something, so that Matthew can sneak attack him and I don't have to tell JUST FREAKING KIDDING HE'S WALKING ACROSS THE LIVING ROOM FLOOR I'M GUNNA DIE.

Shoot man...he's about to walk into a closet, no he's not he passed the closet. He may be headed either into the kitchen or up a wall. Definitely on the move though, so I guess I won't be able to hide it from Thomas and Lara after all. I am going to have to kill it.

The legspan of this thing is probably about 2 inches. Will sucking it up in a vaccuum cleaner kill it? I could probably manage that. As long as he doesn't come crawling right back out all mad at me and ready to slay me with his eight legs.

Don't worry, I definitely did NOT get this close, I googled it . But I'm pretty sure this is what it is.  

I would give you my usual "See Y'all" but I might be dead before my next blog post. So...

See Y'all in Heaven in case I die before my next post!
TFMM



EDIT: THE DEED IS DONE. THE SPIDER IS SQUOOSHED. I WILL LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER DAY.

By the way, did I mention that this is actually the second massive spider of the day? I know I didn't so I'm going to tell you now - second one of the day in this crazy house. It's just I noticed it before the big strong man was out of earshot, so he killed it for me. But it seems they were buddies or something, decided to brave the Inside of Big House together. And now they have both suffered the consequences of that great journey. Take that, you two massive best friend spider thangs.

He went from this...

To this! Muahaha! I realized as I was snapping the picture that there is a seemingly alive, very small spider next to his dead remains. He didn't last past the flash of the camera.  My Payless knockoff Sperry loafer and I were invincible after slaying the first DRAGON. I mean SPIDER.

So there ya have it kids. Squoosh squoosh squoosh.

Isn't that word more fun that squish? Yes, yes it is.

Be A Man

I am sure that all of you caught the Mulan reference in the title of this blog post. As it is obviously one of Disney's modern classics, Dark Side of the Moon is better known in my social circles as the greatest song in Mulan...rather than a mediocre rock album by some unknown band from decades past that did a lot of drugs. Am I right? Don't answer that.

Um, so anyway. It does turn out after further research that "Dark Side of the Moon" is the most memorable phrase from the Mulan song, but it's really called "I'll Make a Man Out of You," probably due to copyrighting issues with Pink Floyd. Still don't remember? Here's a video for your viewing pleasure.

Reminiscing about one of my favorite movies really was not the point of this post. It was, however, about being a man. Being on my own the whole day is kind of boring, and I found out today that it can be dangerous, too! The clock has only just struck 8:00 AM, meaning I've been awake for two hours, and I already had to slay A DRAGON...and by dragon I mean a CRICKET. Right there in my own kitchen in front of God and everybody! It was about 7:05 when I saw the little monster, meaning Matt was probably less than a mile away from the house (he drives to work slash to take the kids to school at 7:00), but was I going to chicken out and call him to ask if he could pretty please drop by and squash it for me? I was not. Because 1. That is a stupid reason to be late for work. and 2. I am manly and strong and can kill crickets all by meself. (In the spirit of St. Patrick's Day being less than a month out. What up Shamrock Shakes!)

So I did! I got a big ole shoe, moved the rug that was right next to the beastie (with my toe, from a very safe distance away), snuck up behind it so there wouldn't be a shadow to freak it out, and BAM! Dead cricket. All by myself.

Before everyone goes and appreciates my immense valor for handling this all by meself (there it is again), I would like to add that this was nowhere, and I mean NOWHERE, as terrifying as the time that my sister's dog, Peanut, and I were having a sleepover in my bed (on the second floor...totally unfair) and somehow there was a cricket (a big'un, this one was like three times the size of this morning's) IN MY BED UNDER MY COMFORTER. That was just unfair. Especially as my sister, Betsy, had just taken the time to tell me all about their cricket invasion downstairs but surely they can't climb stairs, so there weren't any on the second floor. OH CONTRAIRE, BETISS. So yeah that night was terrifying. This morning pales in comparison, but I try very hard not to think about that night very often. As I said, though, no need to applaud my bravery this morning. Killing crickets is rather old hat for me, come to think of it. So there. Take that, long legged jumping unpredictable arthropods.

In other news, Happy Friday y'all! Yesterday was my future nephew's 7th birthday, and tomorrow we will be heading to town for a bowling alley birthday party for him. It promises to be a good time, I'm sure. If I weren't such a miserable bowler, I'd be even more excited. Watching the smidgeons bowl will definitely be a laugh, though. I promise pictures!

See Y'all,
The future Mrs. McCaslin